


The Brutalest Mall Trip Of All Time

by redcrowz



Category: Metalocalypse (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, Shopping, just silly shit, malls, silly billy nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-21 11:01:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20692424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redcrowz/pseuds/redcrowz
Summary: Dethklok goes mall shopping.





	The Brutalest Mall Trip Of All Time

**Author's Note:**

> Small warning for crude language.

“What about this schirt?” Murderface asked, pulling out a tee with a holographic alien on it.

"Mmmngh." Nathan let out.

"Or thisch one?" A polo with a pattern of pastel pugs on it.

"Nah."

"Come on man- you gotta give me schomething here!"

"WELL I'M NOT THE ONE WHO WANTED TO GO TO _HOT TOPIC_ IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

Nathan yelled loud enough to scare a good majority of the customers out of the establishment—mainly who haven't heard of Dethklok, but honestly, who hasn't? All those parents with their fandom-obsessed gothy children took them by the shoulder and before they could cry out and complain, they paced right out, pronto. The few lot of young adults there just gave a quick concerned glance at the frontman.

The cashier (just the one, it was getting late) had to put up with this bullshit, but didn't mind at all. They were actually glad to be in with the presence of two entire Dethklok members in the store! Thank god they were able to convince (pester) both the bassist _and_ vocalist to sign their Hot Topic employee T-shirt! Never gonna wash that shirt again, that's for sure. (Not like that made a difference.)

For once, customers dilly-dallying around in the store made it worthwhile for this person.

“We didn’t have a fucking choice in the firscht place!” Murderface haphazardly put the shirts back on the rack.

“Ugggh. Feels like a _chooore_. We shoulda brought everyone here.”

“You know how Charlesch isch- we juscht gotta fuckin’ do thisch! And, we were the onesch who complied to schopping at Hot-friggin’-Topic!”

“Yeesh. But why _today_ out of all days? Can we even spend all of these in one go? Or even convert this to like… cryptocurrency or something.” He gestured to the few Klokateers, each holding onto a hefty box full of Hot Topic gift cards of various amounts.

“My lord, these cards expire tomorrow,” said one of the Klokateers, reading closely at the back of a card.

“Damn it.” Nathan blew the strand of hair out of his face, looking up at the display of band shirts for the millionth time up on the wall. “Is it too late to get an endorsement deal here?”

“Hey! It’sch a win for usch if we _ACTUALLY_ buy schomething! C’mon? Ischn’t thisch your schtyle?”

“NO! It’s- It’s lame! Buncha regular dildo crap… Even these fucking figurines- They’re not brutal enough!” A Hatsune Miku Funko Pop was pulled off of the shelf, the Hot Topic exclusive version, mind you. “Look at this!”

“Schcrew that! You get a better look around and actually choosche schomething!”

Before Nathan could protest further than a grumble, the bassist walked up to the worker, taking the time to smooth talk them for a better deal (despite how rich the band is). It was… very cringey, and mostly unsuccessful in the end.

“Maybe you can help out my friend over there.” Murderface gave a tilt of his head towards wherever Nathan is. “You schee, we’re a bit conschtrained with time and would love the help.”

“Eheh- Well, um… There’s just so much to buy! I honestly really love it all!” They embarrassingly let out, twiddling with their lanyard. “I wanna just- buy everything here and I wouldn't let any of it go to waste!"  
  
Murderface eyes the Klokateers, who look apprehensively at each other.

* * *

Walking out of Hot Topic were the duo, each holding their own small bag, and even more Kloketeers than there were originally, all holding heavy stacks upon stacks of boxes worth of Hot Topic goods.

“I can't _believe_ you just bought out the store! I can't even believe we got that many fucking gift cards for it!"

"It wasch the only way to spend it all! Plusch, we would've been there all night if we didn't get a move on! Where to now?"

Nathan groaned and pulled out his Dethphone. "To the food court."

"Did they schay where by?”  
  
"Pickles didn't say."

"Fine. Gotta look for thosche dildosch myschelf, huh?"

"Mmngh."

The two headed forth, their employees lugging just behind them at a grueling pace.

"We need to get an endorsement deal."

"Let Charlesch deal with that!"

"I know! I'm just saying."

The two chatted on about selling more merch at the store, both of them thinking about what kind of exclusives their stuff could have.

Both have been making crass comments about the various stores and its kinds of customers.

"Clairesch…" Murderface let out while the store in question came into view. "Juscht for tryhard little girlsch trying to be flaschy. Be the popular, fake one."

"So bright and… not dark. You know those child YouTube stars? Probably actors? They probably shop here."

"Jeeze. What'sch with internet kidsch today? Tryin' to get popular and all that crap-"

_"Thanks you twos so much this! You ams the bestests!"_

The both of them stop in their tracks right in front of Claires after hearing that oh-so-familiar cheer.

"_**TOKI!?**_" Both said in sync, jolting their bodies a harsh right.

With that, everybody in Dethklok came together.

“Hi guys!” The aforementioned Toki greeted with a big wave.

“Oh gahd,” added Pickles beside him, with Skwisgaar on the opposite.

“We cans explains-”

“Why the hell are you three at Clairesch?”

“I wanteds to gets my ears pierced!” Toki went on his tiptoes, showcasing his earlobes to the two. They were, in fact, pierced, specifically with jeweled Hello Kitty studs. Very in character for Toki’s taste. “Cools, isn’t its?”

“Aw...” Nathan let out while Murderface grimaced.

“Looks! Evens Pickle and Skwisgaar match with mes!”

The drummer and guitarist turned their heads to show their pierced lobes, albeit out of obligation. Pickles had a sparkling black stud, Skwisgaar had a pearl stud. Again, both in character for their tastes.

“Didn’t you already have your ears pierced, Pickles?”

“Yeah, but we got a discount that gave us an extra set of earrings.”

“Brutal. Looks good on all of you.”

“Pfft, this piercings doesn’ts deserves me.” Skwisgaar scoffed. “Did yous finallys get rids of the Hot Topics cards?”

“Yeah, apparently we bought out the entire store with them.”

“Damn! That’s a laht.”

“Let’s just gets an endorsenments deals with thems.” Skwisgaar said.

“That’sch what I schaid to Nathan!” Nathan gave him a look.

“Cans we gets an endorsements deals with Claires?” Toki pleaded.

“Just bring that up t’ Charles.”

“Well, we got our shit done. Let's just get whatever regular jackoffs eat. I’m fricken’ starving.”

“I thinks we alls are…” Toki said.

“Let’s go, then.” Nathan began to lead the pack. “Oh yeah, look what I got." He pulls something out of his Hot Topic bag, displaying it to the others.

It was the Hot Topic Exclusive Hatsune Miku Funko Pop in its box.

"Pretty kickass, right?"

**Author's Note:**

> from the prompt my friend miku gave me!: "Metal boys go to hot topic or claires or both"
> 
> i havent written a fic in a looong time, but hopefully i've improved! ill keep on writing, even if its a grueling process :'D
> 
> biggest thank yous to toydrill, sonderbee, and vibrantgoddess for betareading!!
> 
> find me on https://redcrowz.tumblr.com/!


End file.
